Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

#Excerpt from MOXIE'S PROBLEM by Hank Quense @hanque99 #Humor #Camelot #AmReading

Scene background: 

Percivale is trapped in the Sherwood Forest with Bors and Gareth. They escape when Robbin’ Hoody implores the Green Man to send the knights back to Camelot.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Percivale hit something. He groaned in pain, smelled pine needles, and continued to fall. He thumped into the ground and passed out.

When he regained consciousness, Percivale sensed people around him and decided to act like he was still unconscious until he could assess any possible danger. The ground were he lay was cold and Percivale shivered despite his attempt not to.

"Looky here, my pretties," a high-pitched voice said.

"A bonnie lad," a second voice replied.

"A warrior, methinks from the ax he carries," first voice said.

"Is he dead, you think?" second voice asked.

A toe gave Percivale's ribs a hard nudge making him move involuntarily.

"He lives." The footsteps rapidly retreated.

"Can we keep him?" a third voice asked.

"Nay, Carla, warriors make poor pets. They hate captivity and are dangerous when caged."

Percivale rolled over and sat up. His first glance at the three strangers startled him. Middle-aged women with scraggly white hair, they had nightmarish features. Their black, tight-fitting kirtles threatened to burst from the mass of flesh the cloth attempted to control.

"Good morrow, handsome visitor. Where are ye from?" The voice belonged to the first speaker. She seemed a bit older than the other two.

"I hope he ain't a bloody damned Brit," said the second. "Are ye?"

"Where am I?" Percivale ran a hand over his body searching for broken bones. "Where's my horse?"

"Ye are in the bonnie Highlands," replied the third woman. "And a horse grazes over yonder." She pointed deeper into the woods.

Percivale's mouth dropped open. How did he end up in the far north when the Green Man was supposed to send them south? Apparently the Green Man didn't understand directions.

"He's a wee one," second voice said.

"How can ye tell, withal he still wears his pants?" third voice asked.

"Ye have a filthy mind, Carla," the oldest one said.

"Aye, and proud of it I am."

"A filthy mind is an awful thing to waste," the second one observed. "So, who are ye?"

"My name is Percivale. I'm a knight inna service of King Artie of Camelot. Who are you three?"

"He is a bloody damned Brit," the oldest one said. "But I guess we can't be choosey at our age. I'm Agatha, and this is Bertha." Bertha dropped a curtsy that set mounds of flesh rippling and quivering under her kirtle. She had a large green wart on the right side of her nose.

"And this is our baby sister, Carla." Carla looked boldly at Percivale and slowly licked her upper lip. She had nostril hairs so long she weaved them into twin braids.

"We are the Wryd Sisters, witches all," Agatha added.

"Here," Bertha said handing Percivale a small flask. "Take a wee sip of this. It'll restore your natural humors."

Percivale took the flask and pulled the stopper. A whiff of alcohol escaped from it. He sipped and swallowed. Immediately, his throat and stomach felt like he had swallowed liquid fire. "What is that stuff?" he gasped.

"Double malt," Bertha replied.

"From a secret family recipe," Agatha said. "We age it in oak casks."

"Aye," Carla said. "Sometimes as long as a week."

"Mayhap, Percivale will join our quest," Bertha said. "We could use a bold lad to dismay the laird."

"Aye, especially since this one is twice beholden to us," Carla added.

"I'm beholden to you?" Percivale frowned and tried to work that one out. "How so?"

"First, we stood guard over ye and didn't leave ye for the wolves. Second, we didn't steal from ye, even though ye lay helpless as a new-born newt."

"Carla has the right of it," Bertha said. "You owe us recompense and we need help. Will you honor your debt or must we turn you into a beetle, food for the nearest snake?"

"What's this quest?"

"We seek to protect our pet Nessie from the wrath of the Laird of the Loch," Agatha replied.

"The scion of Malcolm," Bertha said, "the one who killed MacBeth and seized the throne."

"The despicable Laird has sworn to kill Nessie with a great hunt," Bertha said.

"I've raised her since she was a wee tadpole," Carla said. "Why, only last year, I loosed her in the loch when she grew too big to care for in our hut. And now, the Laird means to harm her."

Percivale stood up and knocked dirt and pine needles from his pants.

"Have ye always been so short, or are ye enspelled?" Bertha asked.

"Mayhap, upon kissing a virgin, ye'll regain your natural height." Agatha winked at him.

"Here now," Carla huffed. "I saw him first. I'll be one doing the kissing."

"I propose we all take a turn to break the spell," Bertha said.

"I'm not enspelled and no one is kissin' me." Percivale barely restrained himself from shuddering at the idea of the kisses. A quest would occupy his mind while he figured out how to return to Camelot.


Moxie's Problem

Do you enjoy untypical coming-of-age stories? Well, you won’t find one more untypical than Moxie’s Problem. Moxie is an obnoxious, teen-age princess who has never been outside her father’s castle. Until now. The real world is quite different and she struggles to come to grips with reality. The story takes place against a backdrop of Camelot. But it isn’t the Camelot of legends. It’s Camelot in a parallel universe. So, all bets are off!

Buy Now @ Amazon & Smashwords
Genre – Fantasy, Sci-fi
Rating – G
More details about the author
Connect with Hank Quense through Facebook & Twitter

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Top 5 Favorite Marketing Tools for Writers by Kelly Wilson @LiveCheap #SelfPub #AmWriting #WriteTip

Top 5 Favorite Marketing Tools for Writers

Book marketing is an essential part of the life of every writer. While we’d like to spend hours hunched over a notebook or laptop writing to our hearts’ content, the truth is that marketing our work requires time and attention in order to build a writing career.

In my several years of online marketing experience, I have come up with a set of book marketing tools that I absolutely cannot live without. They might take some time to master, but the benefits of making these part of your daily book marketing tool belt will consistently pay off over time.

Wordpress
If you’re wondering whether or not you should have a website, the answer is, “A thousand times, YES.” A website is the foundation of your book marketing efforts. You own that digital space, which means that nobody can take it from you; contrast this with social media - you don’t own any of that space, so they can take down anything of yours at any time.

There are many ways to build a website, but Wordpress is my favorite. It’s easy to use and fairly intuitive, especially if the idea of building or maintaining a website is particularly scary. Choose a domain name that fits your business – mine, for example, is “Wilson Writes” – and follow the directions for set up. Choose a theme that you can customize and tinker around. It’s worth the time!

Photoshop
Besides content, the most essential element of a website is a wide range of photos. Photoshop, while it takes some time to learn, offers a ton of options to manipulate photos and work on website design. Complete basic photo editing or create something unique using the limitless tools contained in the software. I like to use it to make funny memes and then post them on my website, because sometimes life is too funny NOT to take a photo of it and then make a meme.

Mailchimp and/or Feedburner
When your website is finished, don’t wait for people to visit you. Make sure to put an email capture program on the site to get the addresses of those who visit your site, and then post regular blog articles to keep readers engaged. I like to use both Feedburner and Mailchimp.

Feedburner sends out a daily digest of articles posted to your blog, while Mailchimp allows you to send customized newsletters out to readers. Both are useful, and the list captured via Feedburner can be downloaded into Mailchimp for easy use.

Bookbuzzr
BookBuzzr is a valuable book marketing site that allows authors to set up profile pages that highlights their books. These pages are easy to set up and create more of an online presence for you and your books. There’s a lot more to what BookBuzzr offers based on what you are able to pay, but two of my favorite free options are the BookBuzzr book widgets and the Book Tweeter function.

Hootsuite
Social media can feel overwhelming. You may start with updating Twitter, end up on Facebook via Instagram and pretty soon, an hour of your writing time has gone by. Hootsuite makes it possible to save time and effort by consolidating your social media profiles all on one platform.

Use Hootsuite to keep track of your mentions and retweets so that you can connect with those readers. Schedule out Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn status updates throughout the day, spending 20 minutes at the beginning of the day so your writing time is still all about writing…and not social media.

There are, of course, additional valuable tools for book marketing, but these are my favorites on my professional tool belt. What book marketing tools would you add that you can’t live without?

Bio: Kelly Wilson is a Portland, Oregon author and comedian who loves a bargain and likes to do as much online book marketing as possible for free. She is the author of Live Cheap & Free, Don’t Punch People in the Junk, and Caskets From Costco, along with numerous articles and short stories for children and adults. Kelly Wilson currently writes for a living and lives with her Magically Delicious husband, junk-punching children, dog, and cat, with a stereotypical minivan in the garage. Read more about her at www.wilsonwrites.com.

Caskets From Costco
For twenty years, Kelly Wilson thought that she had been marching through the stages of grief in a straight line. She had been following the formula, crossing each processed grief experience off her list.

Except that Kelly was totally deluded. And she didn’t discover that until Jim, her beloved father-in-law, died. She found herself drying off from her shower the morning after his death, really hoping that he couldn’t see her naked. Or, if he could, that he was averting his eyes.

From that moment, Kelly's path through grief resembled a roller coaster, spiraling and twisting and turning, circling back around. Echoes of past trauma, including childhood abuse and cheating death, would no longer be ignored. She somehow needed to get from the beginning to the end of this grief adventure, and she doesn't have a good sense of direction.

But what is always present during a journey through grief, regardless of the path chosen?

Hope.

Caskets From Costco is a funny book about grief that demonstrates the certainty of hope and healing in an uncertain and painful world.

Buy Now @ Amazon
Genre - Memoir, Humor
Rating – PG-13
More details about the author
Connect with Kelly Wilson on Facebook & Twitter

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

#Author Alex Mueck on Online Networking @AlexMueck #Humor #Historical

Why Social Networks are the Keys to Good Networking
Social media is the future, and it is a cheap easy way to reach a wide audience.
How to Network Online to Promote Your Book
Twitter, Facebook and book blog tours will help with getting an author rxposure to a wider audience.
How to Make Your Characters Believable
You have to believe in your characters, flesh them out, and allow these personalities to bloom consistently throughout the story through revelations.  Try to get into the minds of each party, and see through their eyes.  What would they say, think, see…? 
What Inspired Me to Write My Book
This is my third book.  The first two were thrillers and although I am proud of them, I also knew that there are countless thrillers out there.  And while I will return to this genre, I wanted to write something fun and silly, but also with a purpose and touch on topics many would avoid such as racism.
Finding Your Voice: Writing in First Person (or Third)
I have written in both formats, and both have their advantages and disadvantages.  Some stories just work better with a narrator, but sometimes not, especially when the story benefits from multiple points of view.  You need to establish this before you start, and once you do, you need to keep a consistent voice that is believable and yet in in its own way, unique.

JesseJames
"“A historical fiction comedy that packs
as much heart as humor.”
—Michael Dadich, award-winning author of The Silver Sphere
When a Harvard history professor receives a thesis paper titled Jesse James and the Secret Legend of Captain Coytus, from Ulysses Hercules Baxter—an underwhelming student—he assumes the paper must be a prank. He has never read such maniacal balderdash in his life. But after he calls a meeting with the student, Professor Gladstone is dismayed when Baxter declares the work is his own. As he takes a very unwilling Professor Gladstone back in time via his thesis, Baxter’s grade hangs in the balance as he attempts to prove his theory.
It is 1864 as philanderer and crusader Captain Coytus embarks on a mission to avenge his father’s death and infiltrates the Confederate Bushwacker posse looking for the man responsible, Jesse Woodson James. Accompanied by the woman of his dreams, Coytus soon finds himself temporarily appointed to be the sheriff of Booneville and commissions his less-than-loyal deputy to help him carry out his plan.
But when tragedy strikes, the Captain is forced to change his immature ways and redefine his lofty mission—more or less."
Buy Now @ Amazon
Genre - Humor, Historical Fiction
Rating – R
More details about the author
Connect with Alex Mueck on Facebook & Twitter

Friday, January 17, 2014

Meet & Greet with #Author Bryan Taylor (The Three Sisters) #Humor #Satire


Tell us about your new book? What’s it about and why did you write it? Nuns just want to have fun! But when three former Catholic nuns have too much fun and get in trouble with the law, they become nuns on the run.
Driving back to Washington D.C. where they work at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Parts, the three sisters are arrested in Tennessee. After defeating the local deputy in strip poker, they escape from jail, and are pursued by the zealous Detective Schmuck Hole, who has personally offered a $10,000 reward for their capture on the 700 Club. Little do they know that when the three sisters visit the Washington Monument, their lives will change forever.
Set in 1979, The Three Sisters is a humorous, adult satire that skewers not only organized religion, but the government, the media, intellectuals, corporate greed and every other part of the establishment. Maybe not the greatest story ever told, but possibly the funniest.
Why do you write? I write because I enjoy entertaining people. I enjoy the process of thinking up interesting things, especially humorous twists that I hope will delight people, and then, of course, hearing the response from my readers.
What writing are you most proud of? My novel, The Three Sisters, is the work I am most proud of.  It is my only novel, so far, so the choice was easy.  Still, it is not only the book I wanted to write, but one I would have wanted to read.  It has all the elements in it that I enjoy in a book, and I hope that readers can appreciate these things as well.
Who is your favorite author? Shakespeare would have to be my favorite author.  His mastery of the English language is incomparable.
What book genre of books do you adore? If you are referring to fiction, it would have to be humor and satire, which is why I wrote a book in this genre.  The difficult part about this genre is knowing when to stop. They start off very funny, but by the end they’re beating a dead horse and it is no longer funny.
Is there any books you really don’t enjoy? Books that want to preach to me and tell me what I should think.  Whether they are religious or political books, they turn my stomach.  I can think for myself.  You don’t have to think for me.
What is hardest – getting published, writing or marketing? It would definitely be marketing.  Writing is the easy part.  Getting published is easy if you choose to self-publish as I did.  So that leaves marketing.  As any author knows, the most difficult part is getting people to know about your book.  My experience has been that once they read the book, they love it, but how do you get them to dive in? That is the million-dollar question.
What marketing works for you? I’m not sure what works because I haven’t been able to see a clear correlation between marketing and sales.  The most effective way is probably blogging, either on my own website or through guest blogs and virtual book tours. To be successful, you have to be part of the book community, and that requires time and connections.  If you have a full-time job outside of the book community, it is difficult to achieve this.
It is vital to get exposure and target the right readers for your writing, tell us about your marketing campaign? The main marketing is through social media.  I have a website to promote the book, www.threesistersnovel.com. The website includes not only information about the book and characters, but a blog and new short stories.  I have Facebook and Pinterest pages where I put up cartoons and other visuals relating to nuns.  I have put together three virtual book tours, and I have done a Goodreads Giveaway.  I encourage people to read my blogs, visit my Facebook page, and tell others about The Three Sisters.  For someone like me who has a full-time job, this works since I wouldn’t be able to take off the time for a physical book tour, assuming I would want to endure one.  The problem is this doesn’t get me in physical contact with people.  That is the best way to sell a book, but doing everything virtually, unfortunately, precludes that.
What do you hope people will take away from your writing? How will your words make them feel? I hope my readers will find my book funny.  I hope they will be drawn into the book and be able to associate with my three nuns and feel what they feel. I hope it will also get them to think about religion and politics and the other subjects of the novel.

TheThreeSisters
Nuns just want to have fun! But when three former Catholic nuns have too much fun and get in trouble with the law, they become nuns on the run.
Driving back to Washington D.C. where they work at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Parts, the three sisters are arrested in Tennessee. After defeating the local deputy in strip poker, they escape from jail, and are pursued by the zealous Detective Schmuck Hole, who has personally offered a $10,000 reward for their capture on The 700 Club. Little do they know that when the three sisters visit the Washington Monument, their lives will change forever.
Set in 1979, The Three Sisters is a sacrilegious satire that skewers not only organized religion, but the government, the media, intellectuals, corporate greed and every other part of the establishment. Maybe not the greatest story ever told, but possibly the funniest.
Buy @ Amazon
Genre – Humor, Satire, Catholicism, Politics
Rating – R
More details about the author
Connect with Bryan Taylor on Facebook