The Barber’s Conundrum by Other Stories by John Hartnett @johnjhartnett

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Chapter 5: The Only Child Rearing Book You'll Ever Need!

Introducing The Only Child Rearing Book a Parent Will Ever Need!

Are you a parent? Potential parent?  Expecting parent?  Do you ever read parenting books just to celebrate the fact that you aren't a parent and still have your freedom? If so, you're going to love my new book, Kids You Can Count On.

Kids You Can Count On is guaranteed to help you raise perfect children effortlessly.  How can I make such a statement without biting my bottom lip until blood comes out?  Simple! Every technique I used to raise my three beloved kids to become bright, happy, polite, and well-adjusted is not in the book.  Why?  Because none of the techniques worked.  My kids’ behavior had me drinking Maalox out of industrial sized containers -- but the important thing is now I know what went wrong!  Now I get it!  And that's what's in the book.  Why suffer years of frustration raising kids through trial and error, when I've already done the suffering for you? 

Here are some sample insights and real life examples from the book, guaranteed to save you time, reduce stress and most importantly --raise the type of child you'd admit was yours even if you weren't being interrogated by the police!

What I Learned About Teaching Respect for Adults:

Never let your child call an adult by their first name.  Why?  Because right from the beginning a child who refers to you by your first name believes she is your equal, two days later she's convinced she's your superior and four days later, you're convinced she's your superior.  Here's an excerpt from a conversation between my 44-year old babysitter, Katherine, and my three-year old daughter Annie, who had been encouraged to call Katherine by her first name.

Katherine:  Annie, honey, it's time for your nap.

Annie:  I'm not sleepy, Kathy, but thanks for your concern.  Would you be a dear and get me another juice box?

How to fix it so your kid never calls anyone by their first name again?  See page 43!

The Right Way to Communicate with Your Child:

Military philosophy may be "Don't ask.  Don't tell," but for parents and kids it should be "Don't ask.  Tell!"  What happens when you stop giving your kids choices?  You get your life back, that's what!  Here's an excerpt from a school day breakfast discussion between my children and my wife --before we knew any better:

Mother:  What would you like for breakfast?

Annie:  Bacon and eggs.

Jim:  Pancakes with sausage.

Cathy: Oatmeal.

Mother: There's no time.  You all took thirty-minute showers.  How about cereal or toast?

Annie: I want bacon and eggs. 

Jim:  If we're not having pancakes then I don't want anything. 

Cathy:  Cereal and toast!

Mother: Let me see what I can do.

A smart lawyer never asks a question in a courtroom without already knowing the answer. Conversations with children should be handled no differently.  Here's an excerpt from a school day breakfast discussion between my wife and children after she read Chapter 6, How to Say "I'm Only Saying This Once" and Mean It.:

Mother:  What would you like for breakfast this morning?  I'll give you a hint. It's corn flakes and you have ten minutes to finish eating.

Need a handy reference for replacing common open ended questions with time saving imperative sentences?  Look no further than page 119!

Television: Friend or Foe?

For years we let our kids watch television whenever they wanted until one day, my wife and I tripped down a flight of stairs together, sustaining coma-inducing injuries.  While we lay in a tangled heap on the floor, our children watched television until the power company turned off the electricity. Our lifeless bodies were finally discovered by our panic stricken children, who in spite of their harrowing ordeal had the presence of mind to call our neighbors and ask politely if they could watch TV at their house. 

Don't wait for a coma to get the wakeup call that your kids are spending way too much time in front of the television.

TV troubles in your home?  Consult Chapter 9, From Couch Potatoes to Planting Potatoes, includes simple two-step program for turning off the television and turning on your kids …to the simple pleasures of back breaking yard work! 

How to Slay the Birthday Party Goliath

I realized our children's birthday parties were getting out of line when one of the tigers, I can't remember now whether it was Siegfried's or Roy's, pounced on my mother-in-law during our daughter Cathy's first birthday celebration.  Luckily Cathy wasn't traumatized by the event since she didn't wake up from her nap until fifteen minutes after 224 of her closest friends and relatives headed for home.  While there is no such thing as debtor's prison anymore, my wife and I were so deeply in hock from charging our children's birthday bashes that the state legislature briefly discussed opening a local debtor's prison just for us. Kids You Can Count On shows you how to say adios to $10,000 birthday party singalongs with Willie Nelson and hello to $30 pizza parties!

Can't make smores without flying Emeril Lagasse in for the weekend? Turn to Appendix II, Simple Dishes Even You Can Cook.

Testimonials Keep Pouring In!

Here's what parents who've read Kids You Can Count On have to say about my book:

"Since using the techniques outlined in your book, my children's behavior has improved so much friends stop them on the street to ask if they've been adopted." -- Terry K, Orlando, FL.

"My wife and I have adapted your time saving 'Don't ask.  Tell!' philosophy and the resulting peace and quiet has been so rewarding, we've taken the philosophy one step further by requiring our children to submit all questions to us in writing.  Who would believe a home with five children could be more tranquil than a monastery?" -- Eddie Jondo, Lincoln, NE

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Genre –  Humor

Rating – PG

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Website http://monkeybellhop.com/